


Too Much, Too Young

by Alyssa_bird



Series: The Person in Question Series [6]
Category: Kill Your Darlings (2013)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Pedophilia, nothing explicit though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-27
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-02-06 10:10:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1854181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alyssa_bird/pseuds/Alyssa_bird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1936.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Much, Too Young

**Author's Note:**

> Part six of the quiet and the not so quiet moments of the Beats.

It had been a sultry summer afternoon when he first saw him. Where it all began. 

1936\. 

The air was warm and the trees created symphonies when steamy winds made their leaves rattle. 

David Eames Kammerer had been a man of twenty-five when he first laid eyes on Lucien Carr. 

It was almost something out of an Austen novel. Time froze, as he watched the sun shine like a halo around his lovely face. 

That was the moment he knew he was gone forever. 

 

***

A boy of only eleven, Lucien already had that glint in his eye. The rebellious yearning to do everything he was strictly told not to. Despite his youth, he was gorgeous with his fair hair and pale skin. He was much taller and older looking than the other boys. 

As Lucien's Boy Scout Leader, Dave found it easy to earn the trust of the boy. Still young, still innocent, still not marred by the damage that Kammerer would bring him soon enough.

Lucien was an angelic boy who liked the attention of the older man who took him to movies, museums, and bought him ice cream on Mondays. He was ignorant of Kammerer's true intentions, blind to the grand gestures of his affections disguised as kindness. 

He was only a child.

***

It wasn't until Lucien entered his teens, where he lost that coltish look, where he grew into his features and his long limbs looked less awkward on his frame, where the young boy finally turned into a young man. That is where he realized what Kammerer wanted from him. 

Kammerer would send letters to the fifteen year old, declaring his love, only to find them back in his mailbox days later with the big red RETURN TO SENDER stamp screaming up at him. But sometimes -sometimes- his letters would not return. On the occasion where Lucien did keep his letters, he felt that warm surge of hope in his heart. Maybe he did love him. Maybe he just didn't understand love, he was still young. Kammerer felt like he could make Lucien understand what love was, if only Lucien would let him. 

Kammerer continued to write letters everyday until one day he received one single letter from Lucien.

It read:

'Dave, 

My mother found your letters, she threw a fit. She's sending me to a boarding school to keep me away from you. You've ruined everything. Stop writing to me. I want nothing to do with you.

-Lucien Carr'

It was the moment he knew that he couldn't let Lucien go, he couldn't let anyone take away his precious boy. It was the moment he knew he'd do anything and everything to keep Lucien.

Forever.

***

Eight years, five states, four schools, and two colleges later: his love, or perhaps, his obsession, still remained. 

Over the course of the years Kammerer found himself so close to Lucien one moment, then pushed so far away the next. He spoiled Lucien with money, gifts, and treats but it was never quite enough. That was Lucien, insatiable, he always wanted more. More of what? Neither men were sure but all they knew is that nothing was ever enough. 

Kammerer wasn't quite sure why he was so hung up, why he was firmly wrapped around Carr's fingers. He knew he loved Lucien's spirit, his carefree soul. The power that emanated from him, his ability to do anything he set his mind to, regardless of the repercussions. Kammerer remembers how shocked he was one night, he had taken Lucien out for wine. Kammerer had been in the middle of discussing Yeats when suddenly, Lucien bit a huge chunk of glass from his wine cup. Kammerer gasped as Lucien crunched loudly on the piece of glass, chewing it finely before swallowing it. 

Lucien smiled, satisfied at the aghast look on Kammerer's face, his teeth were bright red with blood - his gums were bleeding. 

He was always doing things like that. Always acting out in the most obnoxious way possible. Lucien wanted reactions out of people, he wanted to see them shocked and amazed at his actions. 

***

Kammerer had been handsome once, but now a man of thirty-three, he looked so worn down. So old. He had the look of a man who had once been somebody, someone important. But now? He looked like a hopeless puppy dog, dutifully following Lucien wherever he went.

***

At Columbia, Kammerer often made the others uneasy. His constant presence became something of a nuisance to Lucien's friends, Kerouac and Ginsberg. The only friend he had in the world was Burroughs, and even then he grew tired of him.

He was tired of listening to Kammerer ramble on and on for hours: What did Lucien mean when he said this? Could it mean something more? Did you see the way he looked at me? Did you see the way he looked at so and so? What could that mean?

And so on. 

***

Much to the chagrin of Kammerer, no matter how many times he tried, Lucien would never give himself over to him. He would never willingly give his mind, his soul, his body, over to the older man. Never. 

Lucien Carr was a whore. Giving himself to men and women he hardly knew. But never Kammerer, the man who had loved him with all his might.  

He'd spent too many nights watching helplessly as Lucien walked away with a stranger in his arms. 

He'd spent too many nights alone in his room, haunted by visions of Lucien and him. Alone. Together. 

They'd kissed once - once. 

Lucien had dragged Kammerer to the rooftop of his cold-water flat one night. 

He ran to the edge as if he planned to jump off it, Kammerer let out a pathetic yell in panic before Lucien turned and smiled wickedly at him, standing on the very edge of roof.

"I wanna feel what it's like to be a dead man." He had said. 

He dangled a bottle of cognac over the building. 

"I want to know what it feels like to just...fall."

He let the bottle slip from his hands, they both watched it shatter against the pavement.

That's when it happened. Almost as if it was happening in slow motion, Kammerer watched as Lucien turned to face him, freezing him with his icy glare. He leaned in, pressing lips lightly against the older man's. They kissed languidly for a few glorious minutes before Lucien pushed him away, leaving him breathless.

Lucien was always doing that, leaving him. 

***

One night, he just couldn't bear it. 

He climbed through people's fire escapes until he reached the one he wanted. He sat in the November cold on Lucien's fire escape. From there he could see directly into the blond's room. He sat for hours just watching him sleep, tossing and turning. 

***

Kammerer was like a moth to the flame. No matter how many times he was burned, he couldn't stay away from the flame, Lucien Carr. 

He'd walk through fire to get what he wants.

He'd do anything to get what he wants.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this one! I did a lot of research on the relationship between the two men and tried to be as historically accurate as possible. My main source was David W. Grauerholz's account of Kammerer and Carr. He spent a considerable amount of time with Burroughs, Ginsberg, and Carr in their later years. He also was entrusted to publish Kerouac and Burrough's novel, And The Hippos Were Boiled In Their Tanks. Therefore, I found his stories and information the most trustworthy. :)


End file.
